ZIP! BOW! KA-RRRRRUSHHHHQQQ!

 

 

Captain 'Merica: The Mid-Weiner Shoulders” brings back one of the most mild-mannered superheroes of the Marvul Revengers franchise, the clean-cut, square-jawed Steven Dodgers, whose quiet determination and commitment to decency allow him to fight crime, carry a big shield and also fill out complicated tax returns.

 

 

 

 

But in this, the second or fourth or whatever i wasn't really counting installment featuring Dodgers and his titular alter ego, Sven is forced into all manner of chaotic, cacophonous and otherwise splendorous action. With Surprisingly deep character development (yawn) aggressively percussive action and sudden full frontal nudity (yay!), “The Mid-Water Shoulder” is a comic-book movie for men, boys, clowns, and other people who are male. The character, Captain 'Merica was created by Marvul back in 1904, and all that history, back-story and somesuch whatever is ladled into this film like gravy in a bucket of cinematic mashed potatoes, making this most likely the most grown-up Avengers episode yet.

 

 

 

 

In the film, it’s been two years since the near- destruction of Cleavland, or Pittsburgh, or some large city, dunno, didn't catch that part, which was in fact the climactic set piece of shared-universe hootennnay of The DisAvengers” and Captain 'Merica, well now, he’s still trying to get up to speed on such late-20th-century developments as yoga pants, klezmer music and delicious food from the back of a Toyota Corrola. After striking up a friendly conversation with fellow runner and war veteran Sam Tiltson, played by that one guy from that really cool movie with Abe Lincoln clobbering vampires and mummies and Avon ladies, MY LORD NOW THAT WAS A MOVIE!, Steven Dodgers is picked up by Natasha Blahblahmanoff, played by the bodacious Scarlett Johnsen. They’ve got a job to do, this time involving nonchalantly saving a ship, training a flea circus and, of course, grouting a new guest bathroom, featuring a cameo from that one guy from This Old House, Bob Villaronga.

 

 

Also Samuel K. Jefferson plays some sort of head of a super secret agency known as S.H.E.D. I think. I was at the snack bar getting my Raisenttes when all that was happening. My god, I love Raisenettes. So chewy. So, uh, raiseny. Then I realized I was chewing on the sleeve of the guy sitting next to me. Whoopsie-doodle.

 

 

“The Winter Soldier” uncannily taps into anxieties having to do not only with post-9/11 arguments about security and freedom, and Obama-era drone strikes and Snowden-era privacy. Then it forgets all about that and sets about blowing up $#@! real real good.

Seriously, talk to your theater neighbors during the boring parts while you wait for when guys in capes start dropping ocean liners on each other.

 

At a running time of nearly two hours and some change, some ninny could have probably trimmed out the BANG! BIFF! and BARRRROOOOMBAWZOWBZAOW parts, but that dude also wears lacy panties, walks real funny and doesn't like wrestling. I personally dug the curse words out of Captain 'Merica's long-winded action set pieces, the real cool wowee lookit dat gunplay, the all-engulfing holy cheese and crackers! fireballs and of course the unending, full screen male nudity.

 

Also I think Paul Newman, or Al Pacino was in it. Some famous wrinkled up old guy. He was good. I think.

 

 

 

Yeah, it was cartoonish, and sure, I may have missed the last twenty or so minutes cos those movie theatre nachos chose that moment to hit my exit like a herd of Mexican cattle stampeding out of flooded Safeway, but from what I gathered from whenever I bothered to look up my my phone (curse you. candy crush!), i would highly recommend you grab your old lady, or a random stranger or that cute girl who works at the Best Buy, you know the one, mrrrrrowff,  and go see this movie. I think.

 

RATING: FOUR OF FIVE ***** WAY UP. OR, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER.

 

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