Hey Gang,

Well, I have to say that I’ve not been myself for the past few weeks.  I’m suffering from a pinched nerve in my neck which is causing mind numbing headaches, and a very bad attitude.  It was during this time that I’ve started to re-evaluate my vocabulary. 

The pain has been so insane that I’m tired of cursing.  I know right?  How can I be tired of cursing?  I’m so good at it.  Its something I’ve been doing since the 5th grade.  Oh, I should say that the following story will be graphic.  The Lords name will printed in vain.  Mothers will be fornicating, and the other name for a donkey will be mentioned.  If you are easily offended, or, not a complete Vulgarian, you might want to stop reading now, and remember, the statements I make are my own, and don’t necessary reflect the opinions of this station or its advertisers.

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I first started “cursing” on the playground of Perkett Elementary School in Minot North Dakota.  Why?  Because it wasn’t allowed, that’s why.  If you were to tell me that you could give a shit whether I swore or not, odds are, I wouldn’t.  Because, and lets be honest, it makes a person seem small and immature.  The saying shouldn’t be “curses like a sailor”, it should be “curses like a 5th grader”, because that’s what you look like when you start a cursing tantrum.

My profession has a certain shock value to it.  “I can’t believe you said that” is a statement that makes me happy when I hear it.  Example; a few years back there was a study that showed that Lesbians smoke more than anyone else.  I was asked why I thought that was the case, and I replied “to get the taste out of their mouth”.  I got of plenty of “I can’t believe you said that” on that one.  It was a flippant and immature response, but it was also what others were thinking but didn’t dare say.

Have you ever seen the show “The Actors Studio”.  Towards the end of the show they ask a question, “What is your favorite curse word”? Your true favorite curse word comes out when you’re in pain.  For the past two weeks I’ve realized my favorite is God-Damn-IT!!!!!  It just rolls off the tongue in an instant. Followed by Son-of-a-BITCH, and then, since I didn’t know what was wrong with me at the time, it was “what the fuck?”  Now being in the occupation that I’m in, addressing the public, cursing will cost me my career sooner or later.  That being said, I have figured out a way to counteract the curse word.

Vegetables.  That’s right, Veggies.  Why?  Because I hate them.  Some are even as disgusting as an ass-hole.  So instead of saying Motherfucker, say a vegetable.  Arugula!  God Damn It now becomes Pumpkin Seed!  Dickweed becomes Chickweed!  Son of a bitch turns in to Wheat Grass beat witch!

The Big Q Tip for the Day is that everyone should stop using the standard “curse” words and turn them into the things you dislike.  Not big on the Democratic Party, then use that.  “You Piece of Clinton”…”Obama You!”  You get the idea.  Just remember the third rail when talking to the public…Hitler.  Never say Hitler if you can help it.  There is no wiggle room on Hitler.  Some say that everything is funny sooner or later,  Hitler, not funny yet.

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